So I am going through something completely new to me. The weird part is it involves something that I have done many times before but there is one major difference…me. I am different than I have been in the past in the same circumstance. I am a better version of me so I have no fear right…?

I have been going to therapy at least twice a month for over 2 years and I feel like I have really done work on figuring out myself. I think I figured out things I have never taken the time to and genuinely figured out how to like myself again. I don’t have thoughts like I use to where I felt like I wasn’t good enough to deserve things. Thoughts of total anxiety that everyone else had it easier, better and because of it I was doomed to fail. A complete lack of belief in myself is an accurate description. The weird thing is I did all of that and finally felt like all that work made me ready to be in a relationship again….🤔 maybe that was a tad over confident.

The interesting part about all the self awareness is I still don’t know about the things I don’t do well in relationships. So life presented the opportunity for that to happen and to my credit I have not lost my amazing skill to do things incredibly wrong in relationships. That’s right all that rewiring of my thoughts about myself don’t really fix how to handle a relationship. Yes don’t get me wrong it has caused me to be more aware and recognize the flaws I have quicker. Now the trick is learning to actually work through those flaws and be better than I was in the past. I want to be a better listener not just in life but with my partner. I don’t want to push things on my timeline. I have a fear of being left so I push to keep them around and that isn’t ok. I don’t want to have someone feel like I don’t respect their thoughts or ideas because I am quick to cut them off and express my ideas. I want the better version of me to get to meet the better relationship version of me by doing the work. I can let the fears of the past keep influencing my behaviors or I can just let things be exactly as they are and build a real bond. Anyway I am glad to have found myself over the last 2 plus years I just hope I can work through the relationship version of my former self sooner than later. “Don’t let fear make your decisions”. For me this means my fear of pushing people away that I really care about.

Hope this helps anyone who needs it to reflect. Do not fear the things you don’t want to hear about yourself. Listen, think about it and change the behavior. Your relationship self will thank you.